When the Circle of Safety is Broken
This is a personal story of where feeling UNSAFE changed me… and why I strive to hold the space of acceptance, connection and belonging… in the Circle, and beyond.
As I dive deeper into the world of transformational guidance, the basic human need for a sense SAFETY is where I find most struggles stem from.
As a child, and even as a teenager, I was exploring what it was like to JUST. BE. ME. I did what felt good, and joyful for the most part… and yet when I think back… I didn’t feel safe to…JUST. BE. ME. I struggled in some ways to “fit in”... to be accepted for who I was… to feel a sense of belonging.
The first instance where I clearly remember being singled out as “different” was in kindergarten. We were all sitting in a circle on the carpet, counting blocks, and I was SOOOOO happy. I didn’t always get to sit in the circle, so this was special to me. I felt INCLUDED.
In the middle of it, the teacher stopped, jumped up and pointed at me… “what are you doing in the circle? You need to come over here.” So I was pulled from the circle and plopped at a desk with a set of mathematical equations to complete instead.
That was HORRIFYING as a child. I was excluded from the fun… from the connection with others… because I was “different”.
I find this interesting, because commonly we are told that childhood trauma is what causes a lot of our “adult” issues… and I do believe this CAN be the case, yet not always. However, as I think back, there are definitely those MOMENTS… those impactful experiences that HAVE shaped my behaviors, triggers and responses well into adulthood.
Beyond this experience, I often heard the name “browner” or “brown-noser” being used in reference to me from the other kids… I thought it was because I had brown skin…? It wasn’t until years later that I found out it was that the kids thought I was sucking up to the teacher and being a “know-it-all”.
So… I learned to hide. Even years and years later… I was still hiding the fact that I already “knew” the answer, that I had aced the test, and that I was just… being… ME. Because… ME… wasn’t accepted. ME wasn’t OK… ME was triggering for others. So, I hid that part of ME.
It wasn’t until University… where I stopped hiding those parts of be. Stopped trying to “fit in”. Stopped responded to the external world of expectations by changing my natural behaviors.
In University I met some incredibly refreshing humans. They just showed up exactly as they were… and in that space, I could ALSO, be exactly as I was. There was NO judgment… NO expectation… NO preconceived ideas of who I SHOULD be. They just WERE… so I could just BE.
WOW! I was accepted, I belonged, I felt… SAFE… to be ME.
From this place of safety… the inner turmoil disappeared… and it felt so freeing and empowering. I owe deep gratitude to each of those beautiful humans who held me and allowed for me to evolve in that beautiful space of acceptance.
So… THIS is why acceptance is one of my core values… THIS is why I hold the CIRCLE as sacred… THIS is why we start with SAFETY as the foundation of our relationship… friendship, coach, healer, mentor…
I would love for you to think about your own sense of SAFETY… Where do you feel safe? Truly accepted? Like you truly belong? What about your triggers, responses, and experiences… if you felt SAFE in those experiences, would this have shifted your response in that moment?
I LOVE exploring these ideas, these concepts and how they impact us. It is so fascinating to connect the dots, and when we do… THEN we can begin to heal, shift and transform into being exactly WHO. WE. ARE.
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